I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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