I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
