I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
