He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
