Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
