I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
