i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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