i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
