I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
