Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
How external is "for external use only"?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
