Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
