he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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