I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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