someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
