if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
