you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
