My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
