I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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