I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
