I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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