Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Everything about him screamed your future.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
