Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
