Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
