Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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