I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
