Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
