I cannot find my penis.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
