Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
