So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
what day is it and did you see me today?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
