My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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