I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
