p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
