my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Ketchup is God's man juice
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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