You can't motorboat a personality
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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