i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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