woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
