Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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