Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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