i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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