I swear god or herbie drove my car home
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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