Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
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