WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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