did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
