My liver just broke up with me...
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
