before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
