haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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