I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Randomize
