My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
