remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
