It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
