I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
