We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
