She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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