hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
