Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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