but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
