i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
