Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
