remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We were destined to go to rehab together
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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