My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
