how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
