Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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